The ramblings, rants, and observations of an Orthodox Reactionary. Feel free to look around!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Random Venting

So I finally worked up the courage to mail a birthday card that I've had in my posession for a month now to a wonderful little boy whom I care for very much. But why do I have this queasy, hard lump in my stomach? Why do I feel like the other shoe is about to drop?

Answer: Because that same wonderful little boy's mother is my ex-best friend. And she loathes the very thought of me. If I were burning in hell and complained of thirst, she would hand me a tall glass of gasoline.

I know, even as I write this, that it wasn't really anything I did. Yeah, trying to block her status updates from my facebook homepage backfired. (I didn't know that "blocking" removes that person from your friend's list. Caveat emptor.) And I'm not pure as the driven snow in all this either. But she changed. She chose this path. She had two lives open to her- one of temporary pain and momentary self-denial, but eventual triumph and gladness; and one of self-centeredness and temporary happiness, but eventual emptiness and disappointment- and she chose the latter.

For my part, I recognize that she has pushed me out of her life forever. And while I regret what happened, I know that those last few months I didn't really care for her at all. The last time I saw her in person, she was positively bubbly. (I thought- selfishly- that it was because she got to see me. But now I know it was because the "addict" had her "fix" back at home. I forgive her, and I still pray for her.) I saw that day through the lies she was throwing at me- about us hanging out, etc. And later, when I found out her ex-husband had hit her, I felt terrible because I wasn't angry. My first thought was "Well, what did you do to deserve it?"

I didn't love her with Christ's love. And mine was spent. I still love her, because now I have Christ's love. I forgive her for all the wrongs she has committed against me- all the lies and manipulations and deceptions. And I pray to be forgiven my thoughts and my anger. We are all sinners. But we are redeemed if we accept to be.

Some days I'm hurt. but most days I just miss her.

"An armed society is a polite society.
Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life."
~Robert A. Heinlein

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