The ramblings, rants, and observations of an Orthodox Reactionary. Feel free to look around!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

So I should be writing a paper...

But I'm not. I just finished one, and I'm about to head to the fridge to grab an energy drink before I start on the other one. Sure, they taste terrible, but they'll keep me awake.

I kinda feel like venting. I mean, I'm struggling spiritually, which is the constant state of soul that a Christian is supposed to have. I'm growing and stretching in all sorts of ways that are definite improvements. But even though I'm dealing with the problems and sins I had before, now new ones that I've never struggled with are popping up. It makes me so frustrated that I want to cry.

And I feel like I'm waiting on something that will never happen; That I'm tricking myself into thinking that it will, and I'm wondering if, even though its what I want with all my heart, that maybe God doesn't WANT it to happen-- and that makes me angry at God, that like He's been leading me along all these years and letting me hope for something that was never going to be.

I'm tired of being alone. Not only over the summer, but just in general. I am so ready to give this up.

Which reminds me. I went to a friend's bachelor party on Saturday. And every so often, he would whine. "Man, the glory days are over," he would bitch. "No more parties, no more wild nights," he moaned. I wanted to smack him. I wanted to beat him profusely about the head and shoulders and shout "WTF are you crying about? Are you whining cause you've got a beautiful girl who is willing to spend the rest of her life with you? That you've got that security now, someone who will listen to your fears and frustrations, who will be waiting for you to come home? And yet you sit here, acting like parties and strippers and all this shit is stupidly important, like it's worth missing?!?! Some of us don't have all that. Some of us want it. Shut. The. F@*$. Up."
Seriously. I just think he was trying to be deep, and he failed miserably. But it was still annoying. It made me want to cuss.

My part time job is as the youth pastor of Black Oak Christian Church in Vanceburg. I really, really didn't see or expect that. But now that I am in this position, this place of accountability... I feel so unworthy, so unprepared. I feel in over my head.

Sitting in this apartment, doing homework, planning work stuff and stewing, doesn't help.

Gotta go finish that paper now. Cheer me up, TR.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

No comments: